Portraits!!

We went to Portrait Innovations in Leesburg tonight to get our family pictures done. Gracie is 9 months (almost 10) and this is the first time we got professional pictures taken! haha Oh well, I guess better late than never. I wanted to do a post and show some of the amazingly adorable pictures they got of our cutie Grace! She did soooo well!! She loves having her picture taken, she is such a ham :) Well, enjoy the pictures!









We also got some Christmas portraits done. Here is just a little preview ;-)

My Little Reindeer

These past two weeks I have been watching my neice, Adriana. I am so glad to be watching her again, but at the same time it brings some challenges. Having a 9 mth old and a 12 mth old in the same house all day can be very tiring! However, I am so lucky that I get to stay home with my little girl and have the pleasure of also watching my neice grow up! It just doesn't get better than that! I am still working on getting them on a more regular napping schedule, but they seem to be getting better. And if they get tired enough, they will eventually just conk out! Like the photo below. Gracie was in mid-crawl and just completely fell asleep on the floor haha. What cracks me up even more is that she sticks her butt up in the air!!




We finally got our Christmas tree!! This weekend we plan on decorating the house and trimming the tree. I can't wait!! I just hope Gracie can keep away from the tree for at least part of the time it's up haha. We shall see how that goes! I am so excited for this Christmas. I hope Gracie's first Christmas is enjoyable for her!! The holidays will never be the same now that we have a child. They will hold so much more meaning and emotion for me now! Below is a picture of Gracie with her reindeer headband on while we went shopping for a tree. It cracks me up!! Isn't she just the cutest?!?!?

Hope

The past few months have been pretty hard for me and my family. The economy has really effected us, which in turn effects our mental and emotional well being. I wish I could say I was a strong enough Christian who knew God would take care of me and who didn't doubt. However, I will be completely honest and let you know that I have let fear rule over me these past few months. Instead of getting into His word and spending one on one time with the Lord, I grew distant from God. I know He called me away from my job to take care of my daughter, but when my sister lost her job, which in turn meant I was out of money that my family depended on, I felt a total let down from God. Here I was obeying what He asked me to do, yet my family is struggling in more ways than one!! I felt like He let go of me and I had such a hard time feeling His prescence. I couldn't even really get into worship at church, and for anyone that knows me, knows that worship is MY thing! I let satan build a wall up between me and my God. I let his lies become truths to me. I gave in to my fears instead of standing on God's promises!! However, this past Sunday the pastor said something that really resonated with me. Well, he said a lot that really spoke to me (I thought the sermon was written for me! haha). He said "why are we so afraid that our God will not take care of us? If we love our children and take care of them with all we know how, than how can we think that our Father in Heaven will not do exceedingly more for His children?? And He has ALL the capablities at His fingertips to do so."

This comment really spoke to me and hit me right in the heart. Why am I so fearful?? And of course God loves me! The question should have never been if He loved me or not, it should have been what does He want me to gain from this experience. I can also honestly say that even though my family has gone through a pretty hard financial time, our needs have ALWAYS been met. This Christmas may be a small Christmas, but maybe that is exactly what God wants! Maybe He wants me to focus on all the blessings He has given me like my beautiful Gracie, my wonderful husband, and my awesome family and friends. It's not about the gifts, it's about His son and what He gave to the world! I am not to focus on the presents and what I don't have, but instead focus on what I DO have and all that He has given me. I am His daughter and He will always take care of me NO MATTER WHAT!!

And today I proudly report how gracious and GOOD our God is!! My sister got a job and starts on Monday!!! YAY God and Congrats Kara!!
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I also wanted to post a picture of my beautiful blessing, Gracie. I just can't get enough of this cutie!!


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On a side note, I follow a blog written by Angie Smith (she is the wife of Todd Smith, lead singer of Selah). About two years ago she was pregnant with a baby girl and found out that the baby had a terminal illness and would not live past delivery. She carried the sweet baby, and it died shortly after she gave birth. The blog is her journey through that trial. I love reading her words and find such enouragement in her writing. Her new post is very inspiring and I hope it speaks to you as much as it spoke to me!
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Halloween

I just wanted to post some pictures from Halloween. Gracie and Adriana were Redskins cheerleaders. They looked soo cute!! I love these girls!

My Big Girl

Time goes by so fast when you have a child. Time was already going fast before Gracie, but now it just flies by! Grace is 8 and 1/2 months already and I feel like she was just born yesterday. She has been having a lot of "firsts" lately and it just makes me feel so proud! I know every mother thinks their child is the smartest and cutest, but Grace really is haha. :)

This past Saturday was Adriana's first birthday party. Can I just say that just blows my mind!! The above picture is from the party. It was an awesome party and my sister did a great job putting it all together! There were sooo many kids. Having everyone all together in one place really showed how big our family is growing and how many new little ones we have. My cousin Misty just had a baby boy, named Anthony, this past week. So, currently the new little ones are Connor (just turned 1), Adriana (1), Grace (8 1/2 mths), and Anthony (1 wk). Now that doesn't count all the other little ones that we have that are under 6. We also have a lot of friends that just had babies too! Gavin (4 mths), Landon (2 mths), Peyton (17 mths), and Maddie (1 yr). Grace and Adriana are so blessed to have so many play mates!!

Seeing all the new little babies at the party made me think of how much Grace has grown in such a short amount of time. It also makes me want to have another one so bad!! Grace has started to finally crawl. She has been kind of crawling for about a month now, but she was more interested in sitting up and pulling herself up on things than actually crawling. Well, the morning of Adriana's party, she started crawling!! She does it so well!! Gracie also learned to wave with one hand on Saturday too. She was trying to wave for quite some time, but she would wave with both hands haha. Now she finally gets it and waves with just one hand. She also said "no no" for the first time on Saturday and has not stopped since! This was cute the first few times, but now it's lost its excitement haha.

Saturday night, Clinton was leaving to go to the store and Gracie could tell he was about to leave. So she crawls over to him and says "no no dada" over and over again and then kept giving him lots of kisses. She didn't want him to leave. It was sooo cute!! I know it broke Daddy's heart! It was a big step for Grace because it showed that she is using her words in association with their meaning instead of just babbling words.

She is so fun to watch! Gracie loves to play with toys and figure out how they work. When she figures out how the toy lights up, plays music, or moves she get so excited and proud of herself. I love the look on her face when she figures it out and how she looks around for me or Clinton and then claps to show her excitement. She is just the cutest thing. I may miss her little baby stage, but I sure am loving her "big girl" stage. God has blessed me with such an amazing daughter! Even when things are going crazy around me, all I need to do is look at my sweet little girl and see God's goodness and mercy. I see His Grace!!

My Cutie-pie

I don't have much to say tonight, just wanted to post a picture of my cutie! And her shirt is oh so true haha She LOVES her Daddy!!

October

I am really bad at keeping up with this blog!! I have been meaning to write as I have had a lot on my mind and heart, but there never seemed to be a good time. However, tonight Gracie went to bed early and my husband is out, so it seems as if God has opened up some time for me :) Yesterday was my second wedding anniversary. It's so crazy to think that two years have gone by already! These past two years have been trying yet blissful, heartbreaking yet joyous. We have grown as a couple, yet have MUCH more growing to do. We are learning day by day to rely more on God and less on ourselves. And now with including a daughter in the mix, we are learning how to be parents. I pray that we are the parents to Grace that God wants us to be. He has blessed us with a beautiful, healthy daughter and I fully give her back to Him because she is the Lord's daughter first. I am just gracious and blessed that He chose ME to mother her. She teaches me so much every day. She teaches me patience, understanding and most of all she shows me the areas of my heart and mind that I have to work on!! haha



October is a month that comes with much celebration, but also with a great mourning. It marks my wedding anniversary, but also marks the date of my miscarriage. Two years ago on Oct. 5th I lost my first child. Most of the year I try not to think about the pain and the suffering I went through, but two months a year I have a hard time NOT thinking about it. October is hard and then again in April I struggle. My due date was April 28th and for some reason April is always harder than October. I guess it reminds me that my baby is not spending a birthday with me and is not here for me to kiss and sing "Happy Birthday" to.



I haven't really talked too much about the miscarriage because let's face it, most people don't really don't know what to say and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable bringing up such a painful situation (and who wants to talk about death and miscarriages anyway!) However, I mostly don't want anyone to really make me feel better, I just want someone to talk to about it. I want someone to listen. On a day that I may happen to think of my first baby I want to be able to just say out loud "I wonder what he or she would have looked like" or I want to say "well today he/she would have been 2". I feel like if I could verbalize that out loud I would be acknowledging their existence.



You see, one of things I struggle with the most is the fear that I won't get to meet my baby in Heaven. It's hard for me to even write this down because I have only really verbalized this to my mother. I replay the day we heard I was miscarrying over and over like a movie and replay what the nurse told me on the phone over and over and I let fear settle into my heart. Clinton and I were at the doctor to hear the heartbeat for the first time. My OBGYN got out the doppler and started searching for the heartbeat. Even though it was taking her quite some time, I never once was nervous or even had a thought in my head that we wouldn't ever get to hear my little one's heart beating. She searched for a while and finally said that she couldn't get on the doppler and said she wanted me to go their office in Sterling (where they had an ultrasound machine) to do a sonogram. I think back to that moment and I STILL was not nervous nor did I even think about miscarriage. I just had no idea that the bottom was about to drop out from under me.



The dr. assured me that this wasn't completely abnormal because sometimes you can't pick up a heartbeat in the early stages of pregnancy, but she wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure. We drove over to the other office and waited to be called. The dr. there did the sonogram she looked for quite some time and then turned to us with a solemn face. I will never forget the moment she said, "there is no fetus in the gestational sac". Such medical, cold terms for such heartbreaking news! She said I had a blighted ovum. I had no idea what the heck that was, but was devastated that what started out to be an exciting day turned out to be my worst nightmare.



We were absolutely devastated. The Dr. left the room so that we could have some time alone. I remember hugging Clinton and just breaking down. And then the thought of having to walk out of the room and past the waiting room where there were happy, pregnant women was just too much to bare. But we pulled ourselves together and walked out of the office as fast as we could. It was such a horrible day that there aren't even words to describe it. Horrible, devastating, tragic, just don't describe it fully. I felt numb, empty and just sooo incredibly sad. I remember researching the term "blighted ovum" and I found that it was one of the most commonly misdiagnosed conditions during pregnancy. I got a glimmer of hope thinking maybe just maybe the doctor was wrong. At my next appointment they drew blood to check my hormone levels and then sat down to talk about my options. They were very eager to schedule a D & C. I mentioned that I wasn't bleeding or having any pain and told her what I read on the Internet. I asked if I could just wait a little longer and have another ultrasound to confirm that my baby was gone. She seemed quite surprised and said well we have never had anyone wait it out, but you can do what you want. I had another ultrasound about a week later and it confirmed their original findings. And all my hope I was holding on to went out the window! I was devastated again, but glad that I had a second opinion. Also that week I got a call from the nurse about my blood work confirming that my hormone levels were dropping which also indicated that I was indeed miscarrying. I remember crying on the phone and I will never forget the following words as long as I live. It has been the basis of my fear for two years now. I asked the nurse through my many falling tears "Was there ever even a baby?" and she said "I don't know". I hear this conversation so many times in my head and it starts such a fear in my heart. I don't know why I even believe that there might not have been a baby! Even if life only lasted a second and then it died inside of me, there was still LIFE! Why I let the enemy get to me like this is so crazy, but I just fear that the day I meet my Maker, I will ask to see my child and He will tell me "there never was a baby".

At this point, I still hadn't had any bleeding or signs of a miscarriage and didn't want to do a D & C because I heard it could harm any future pregnancies. Well, about a week later on Oct. 5th at around 3 am I started bleeding and having the worst pains I have ever encountered in my life. I was so scared and soo sad that I was really going through a miscarriage. I know I was told many times that I did not have life living inside of me, but since I had no outward signs of a miscarriage I guess I never fully believed it. Since I was in unbearable pain, my parents took me to the ER. I basically went through pains of labor, but without having anything to hold in my arms after. It was such an empty, numbing feeling. But even though I was growing through the hardest time in my life, God was still there with me through it all. The doctor I had in the ER was amazing and was a God-fearing woman. She cared for me in a way that I know was God ordained. She even sat down with me and talked about her own personal miscarriage. Here I was in so much pain emotionally and physically, yet I had a doctor who had been there and knew what I was going through. That was God loving on me!

I know I have written a lot and hope it wasn't too much! I just really needed to get that all out. I wanted to write my fear down and expose it. It is a lie from the enemy and I want it gone from my mind! It is not true! I have a child in heaven that is being loved and cared for by my Heavenly Father. I WILL meet him or her when my life on Earth ends. I WILL get to hold, kiss and love on my little one for eternity! We are only separated during this life, which the word says is "like a blink of an eye". My son or daughter gets to grow up in a place where there is no hurt, pain, sadness or tears. What more could a mother want for their child?? I thank you all for reading and allowing me to share my heart. I just needed to acknowledge that my child LIVED and still LIVES today.

Times Goes by Too Fast!

I cannot believe that my little Gracie is almost 6 months old!! (she will be 6 mths in 5 days) How did this happen?? I feel like it was just yesterday that we were bringing her home from the hospital and I was terrified to be without the awesome Loudoun Hospital nurses! We made it without those nurses however and I tend to think C and I are doing a great job so far haha. She is getting so big and really developing quite a personality. She has started to say her very first words! Of course her first word wasn't Mama or Dada...NO our little one said Baba first! haha You just don't mess with this girl's food. She has been in love with her baba since the first time she had one. I am not offended because the very next day she said Mama so I didn't worry for too long that my kid loved food more than she loved her very own mother! haha

She loves to laugh and we have noticed that she is quite sensitive. At first, I was worried about this quality, but I have decided that I will enforce the positive side of this part of her personality. I believe God has made her sensitive so that she will be sensitive to His spirit and to those that are hurting and need some compassion. I believe God will use her to speak kind words to those that might be overlooked by others. She has such a sweet disposition about her and I love watching her grow!

Not only is my little one growing so fast, but my little niece A is getting soo big herself! She has come a long way from that little 4 lb baby she once was. She is 9 mths now and she is almost 20 lbs!! She is such a cutie and I love her dearly. Grace and A love each other and get so excited when they are together. I am so blessed that I get to watch these two grow up together. It is such a joy and a pleasure!

Well, I just wanted to write a little since I hadn't written in a while. I am just so blessed and can't wait so what my little girl does next! I love you Gracie-poo!!

Update

So, I have really been slacking with regards to writing on my blog. I may be the only one who reads it, but it serves as a sort of therapy for me so I should really keep up with it. I never updated after the girls' dedication ceremony. It was fantastic! It went better than I could have ever imagined. Both of the girls received awesome prayer, prophetic words for their God ordained destiny, and had lots of great scriptures read over them (the picutre is of people praying over Gracie at her dedication). I taped everything that family and friends prayed over them so I can't wait until they are old enough to understand and to get their thoughts and feelings on it. I pray that my lil Gracie becomes a great warrior for God and does not let the enemy stand in the way of her destiny. She is already soo observant and also very sensitive. I think God will definitely use those qualities to glorify Him. It was funny because one of the women at the dedication (who has only been around Grace once) said that God said she was very observant and sensitive and He will use that for His will. She said that she will see those that are hurting that others may overlook because of her observant eye. It is soo amazing to me that God instills these qualities in us at such a young age. I mean I know He formed Grace in my womb this way before she even had a chance to glance at the world around her, but it still puts me in awe of our Awesome God! Baby Adriana got a lot of fantastic words as well and she will be forerunner for God. I just canNOT wait to see what these two little firecrackers do for the Lord. They have such a purpose in this world (of course like each and every one of us!!)

Today I find myself a little depressed and stressed. I love my daughter and am so incredibly thankful for her, but at the same time I worry about providing for her and being the kind of mother God wants me to be. I feel I don't always live up to His level. I know a lot of my thinking is Satan trying to whisper in my ear his lies, but at the same time I do think I need to pull on the boot straps and be the woman of God He is so desperately calling me to be. I have recently joined a bible study that is being held at my mom's house. We are doing a Beth Moore study on Esther. We have had only one session, but I am already excited about it! It is a great time for me to get together with the girls and listen to great teaching. And of course really get into God's word. This is something I need right now because I have not been connected to a church lately so I am missing fellowship. Which by the way if any of you out there have any prayer requests that you would like us to take to the Lord, please let me know. I'd be happy to share with the ladies and have some awesome prayer warriors surround you with prayer. Also, if anyone wants to join, let me know! We just started and we meet Wednesday nights in Sterling.

One thing you can be prayer about for me is to increase my faith and release my fears. Fear is the opposite of faith and I want to be rid of all these worries and fears about finances, family, health and life. God called me away from my job to be a stay at home mom and even though money is tight right now, He will be our Heavenly provider. I need not fear about tomorrow because He will provide all that we need!

Attitude Adjustment

As I sit here reading all of these blogs about sick children, I feel sooo incredibly blessed that Grace is a healthy baby. Today she has been quite fussy because she is teething like mad. It hasn't been the easiest day for sure, but reading these blogs makes me realize that things could be so much worse! God has blessed me with so many things, but it is easy to get stuck on the hard times. My husband and I are going through some financial difficulty, but again I have to remember that things could be much worse. I know God is our provider and will keep my family safe, however I find myself constantly falling prey to Satan's trap...filling me with doubt and fear. I'm so tired of getting caught up in a fearful attitude. It is the beginning of a horrible cycle. I start to doubt and fear (forgetting God's promises to me as a child of God), then I start to feel sorry for myself (pity party for ONE please), and then the guilt comes flooding in. How can I proclaim to have such a good relationship with our Savior, yet have all this anxiety about the welfare of my family?



I need to remember that God is in control and He will provide, prosper and care for my family. I don't need to be fearful of anything or anyone. He has never let me go hungry, homeless, or without clothes. I may not have everything I want, but I have everything I need. I must stay in an attitude of remembering all that God has done in my life and everything He has blessed me with! Our Father didn't promise that I wouldn't go through trials, however He did promise that I will never be alone when I go through them. His love NEVER fails and I am never too far away from His grasp. So, today I am going to adjust my fearful attitude and REMEMBER all that God has done and will do in my life. All of our problems are in His hand and He will work everything together for my good. This spirit of fear, doubt and anxiety must flee!! There is no room for it in my life. My God reigns and rules in my heart and in my household. Thank you God for reminding me of Your promises and I will continue to lay my fears at Your feet and be renewed with Your joy and comfort daily!

SO excited..

I am so excited for this Saturday. Not only will the girls get dedicated to the Lord, but I will also be meeting some of my husband's family that I have never met before. They are flying in from CA tonight and should be in VA in the morning. We won't get to see them until the dedication cermony because they are headed to Bethany beach with Clinton's parents right after they get off the plane. We will be meeting his two cousins and aunt. He lived with them while he attended college in California and became extremely close to them, so I really can't wait to meet them. I have heard some awesome things about them and know they have a deep love for the Lord. Nothing makes me more excited than to talk about the Lord with others! I also know the Lord has some amazing things planned for Grace and Adriana's special day. I can just feel it in my spirit! I will be preparing the worship music tomorrow, but have been in prayer all week as to what songs to choose. I want to honor the Lord and have Him speak to me as to what songs should be played. There will be some family and friends there that are not believers, so I'd love for God to tell me specific songs that He knows would speak to someone at the ceremony (whether they be a believer or not). So far I know that I will be playing "Held" by Natalie Grant and "Sing My Love" by Kim Walker. I absolutely love anything by Kim Walker, who is also a part of Jesus Culture. They are a worship group out of Bill Johnson's church in California. I believe the church is Bethel Church. Anyways, her worship music just really allows me to praise the Father in absolute freedom. If you haven't heard her music or anything by Jesus Culture, I HIGHLY recommend it!

I am a little nervous about the dedication because some family members were confusing it with a baptism. However, my husband and I believe that baptism is a choice you make out of your own free will when you want to show your love for Jesus and make a committment to Him in front of witnesses. I hope no one gets offended at that we will not be baptizing Grace. Oh well, you can't make everyone happy and the only one I want to please is the Lord. I will leave everything in the Father's hands. I just pray that it goes smoothly and that Grace is content during the ceremony. (She has been having some trouble with her teething lately so I hope she feels fine and doesn't have any problems.) Well, it is getting late so I should shut down and get to bed. I just wanted to put a few thought down before bed time.

Thank you Father for allowing me to have another day with my beautiful baby girl. I hope Saturday pleases You. Please have Your hand in everything and on everyone. Be with Mike as he officiates the ceremony and be with Kara, Clinton and myself as we dedicate our daughters to You. I want to be like Hannah and turn my children over to Your will. Let us be a light to those in our lives who do not know You yet. I pray that their spirits be open to You along with their eyes and ears. Awaken the "sleepers" Father. I praise You and thank You Lord. In His Holy name, Amen.

Baby Dedication

Grace, along with her cousin Adriana will be dedicated to the Lord next Saturday during their baby dedication ceremony. However, the day I found out I was pregnant with her, I had already dedicated her to the Lord, but next Saturday will be her "official" day in front of witnesses. I am really excited and a bit anxious, only because I feel I will be very emotional haha. I am SOO very thankful to my Father in Heaven for my baby Grace, probably more than I let on. You see, I lost my first baby last year after being pregnant for only 11 weeks in a miscarriage. This past April would have been his or her year birthday. I miss the baby I never got to see or get to know. However, I KNOW that my baby is in Heaven with Jesus. So, when I think of Grace's dedication, I picture our Father smiling down with my first baby in His arms. I imagine the Lord talking to my baby and telling him or her that their baby sister is being dedicated to become a part of the family! Even though my arms ache to hold the child I lost, I am also VERY comforted in the fact that they will grow up with the Lord Almighty.

My first child's life was very short but their purpose is everlasting on my life. I know Grace has a GREAT purpose as well. I pray that she fulfills all that God has for her. I cannot wait to officially dedicate her life to the Lord in front of all our friends and family and of course our Father and her older brother/sister in Heaven. I don't have much to say tonight, but I just wanted to put a few thoughts down that were rolling around in my head.

Lord, thank you for the children you have given me and for those You have yet to give me.

New To This

I am not particularly computer savvy, but after reading various blog postings that I could not stop "following" I decided to make one of my own. I have NO idea what I am doing, but I hope to learn as I go. I thought this would be a great alternative to journaling and a cool way to meet some fellow "bloggers". I have recently become a new mother, so a lot of the blogs I have been following have given me some awesome parenting tips along with some comic relief!



Tonight, my husband and I are attempting to put our 7 week old daughter, Grace into her pack 'n play bassinet. We had another baby bassinet, but she didn't quite like that one so after about a week of her fussying in the bassinet, we *gasp* put her in the bed with us in her Boppy. I know, I know that is the worst thing you can do. BUT she started sleeping 6-8 hrs a night at 2.5 weeks!!! It was just so nice to get some good sleep. However, Grace is a big baby (she was 9 lbs 8 oz when she was born) so she is sort of out growing laying on the Boppy :) (she is now a little over 12 lbs). I feel she is still a bit too young to be sleeping in her room all by herself, so her pack 'n play will go in our room for the time being. I am SO nervous about putting her in the pack 'n play bassinet because I don't know how she will sleep, but I pray that she continues to sleep through the night. I also felt very comfortable with the fact that I could see her easily as she slept and now she will be a few feet away from me instead of right next to me. I know it's about time she get out of our bed, but I am new to all of this and it is making me extremely nervous. My husband is setting up the pack 'n play in our room as we speak and it is making my heart skip a few beats here and there! She has one more feeding before we put her down and try it out for the night. Hopefully, her tummy will be full and she won't have a problem going to bed for the night. *crossing my fingers*



Well, I will update as to how this goes, but I am praying for good results! :-)