October

I am really bad at keeping up with this blog!! I have been meaning to write as I have had a lot on my mind and heart, but there never seemed to be a good time. However, tonight Gracie went to bed early and my husband is out, so it seems as if God has opened up some time for me :) Yesterday was my second wedding anniversary. It's so crazy to think that two years have gone by already! These past two years have been trying yet blissful, heartbreaking yet joyous. We have grown as a couple, yet have MUCH more growing to do. We are learning day by day to rely more on God and less on ourselves. And now with including a daughter in the mix, we are learning how to be parents. I pray that we are the parents to Grace that God wants us to be. He has blessed us with a beautiful, healthy daughter and I fully give her back to Him because she is the Lord's daughter first. I am just gracious and blessed that He chose ME to mother her. She teaches me so much every day. She teaches me patience, understanding and most of all she shows me the areas of my heart and mind that I have to work on!! haha



October is a month that comes with much celebration, but also with a great mourning. It marks my wedding anniversary, but also marks the date of my miscarriage. Two years ago on Oct. 5th I lost my first child. Most of the year I try not to think about the pain and the suffering I went through, but two months a year I have a hard time NOT thinking about it. October is hard and then again in April I struggle. My due date was April 28th and for some reason April is always harder than October. I guess it reminds me that my baby is not spending a birthday with me and is not here for me to kiss and sing "Happy Birthday" to.



I haven't really talked too much about the miscarriage because let's face it, most people don't really don't know what to say and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable bringing up such a painful situation (and who wants to talk about death and miscarriages anyway!) However, I mostly don't want anyone to really make me feel better, I just want someone to talk to about it. I want someone to listen. On a day that I may happen to think of my first baby I want to be able to just say out loud "I wonder what he or she would have looked like" or I want to say "well today he/she would have been 2". I feel like if I could verbalize that out loud I would be acknowledging their existence.



You see, one of things I struggle with the most is the fear that I won't get to meet my baby in Heaven. It's hard for me to even write this down because I have only really verbalized this to my mother. I replay the day we heard I was miscarrying over and over like a movie and replay what the nurse told me on the phone over and over and I let fear settle into my heart. Clinton and I were at the doctor to hear the heartbeat for the first time. My OBGYN got out the doppler and started searching for the heartbeat. Even though it was taking her quite some time, I never once was nervous or even had a thought in my head that we wouldn't ever get to hear my little one's heart beating. She searched for a while and finally said that she couldn't get on the doppler and said she wanted me to go their office in Sterling (where they had an ultrasound machine) to do a sonogram. I think back to that moment and I STILL was not nervous nor did I even think about miscarriage. I just had no idea that the bottom was about to drop out from under me.



The dr. assured me that this wasn't completely abnormal because sometimes you can't pick up a heartbeat in the early stages of pregnancy, but she wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure. We drove over to the other office and waited to be called. The dr. there did the sonogram she looked for quite some time and then turned to us with a solemn face. I will never forget the moment she said, "there is no fetus in the gestational sac". Such medical, cold terms for such heartbreaking news! She said I had a blighted ovum. I had no idea what the heck that was, but was devastated that what started out to be an exciting day turned out to be my worst nightmare.



We were absolutely devastated. The Dr. left the room so that we could have some time alone. I remember hugging Clinton and just breaking down. And then the thought of having to walk out of the room and past the waiting room where there were happy, pregnant women was just too much to bare. But we pulled ourselves together and walked out of the office as fast as we could. It was such a horrible day that there aren't even words to describe it. Horrible, devastating, tragic, just don't describe it fully. I felt numb, empty and just sooo incredibly sad. I remember researching the term "blighted ovum" and I found that it was one of the most commonly misdiagnosed conditions during pregnancy. I got a glimmer of hope thinking maybe just maybe the doctor was wrong. At my next appointment they drew blood to check my hormone levels and then sat down to talk about my options. They were very eager to schedule a D & C. I mentioned that I wasn't bleeding or having any pain and told her what I read on the Internet. I asked if I could just wait a little longer and have another ultrasound to confirm that my baby was gone. She seemed quite surprised and said well we have never had anyone wait it out, but you can do what you want. I had another ultrasound about a week later and it confirmed their original findings. And all my hope I was holding on to went out the window! I was devastated again, but glad that I had a second opinion. Also that week I got a call from the nurse about my blood work confirming that my hormone levels were dropping which also indicated that I was indeed miscarrying. I remember crying on the phone and I will never forget the following words as long as I live. It has been the basis of my fear for two years now. I asked the nurse through my many falling tears "Was there ever even a baby?" and she said "I don't know". I hear this conversation so many times in my head and it starts such a fear in my heart. I don't know why I even believe that there might not have been a baby! Even if life only lasted a second and then it died inside of me, there was still LIFE! Why I let the enemy get to me like this is so crazy, but I just fear that the day I meet my Maker, I will ask to see my child and He will tell me "there never was a baby".

At this point, I still hadn't had any bleeding or signs of a miscarriage and didn't want to do a D & C because I heard it could harm any future pregnancies. Well, about a week later on Oct. 5th at around 3 am I started bleeding and having the worst pains I have ever encountered in my life. I was so scared and soo sad that I was really going through a miscarriage. I know I was told many times that I did not have life living inside of me, but since I had no outward signs of a miscarriage I guess I never fully believed it. Since I was in unbearable pain, my parents took me to the ER. I basically went through pains of labor, but without having anything to hold in my arms after. It was such an empty, numbing feeling. But even though I was growing through the hardest time in my life, God was still there with me through it all. The doctor I had in the ER was amazing and was a God-fearing woman. She cared for me in a way that I know was God ordained. She even sat down with me and talked about her own personal miscarriage. Here I was in so much pain emotionally and physically, yet I had a doctor who had been there and knew what I was going through. That was God loving on me!

I know I have written a lot and hope it wasn't too much! I just really needed to get that all out. I wanted to write my fear down and expose it. It is a lie from the enemy and I want it gone from my mind! It is not true! I have a child in heaven that is being loved and cared for by my Heavenly Father. I WILL meet him or her when my life on Earth ends. I WILL get to hold, kiss and love on my little one for eternity! We are only separated during this life, which the word says is "like a blink of an eye". My son or daughter gets to grow up in a place where there is no hurt, pain, sadness or tears. What more could a mother want for their child?? I thank you all for reading and allowing me to share my heart. I just needed to acknowledge that my child LIVED and still LIVES today.